tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30251653466083846712024-03-12T20:49:03.788-07:00Mallory Stevens LLC -- Mediation and Conflict Resolution ServicesMallory Stevenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18257665240381967374noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3025165346608384671.post-82474302700223936762020-04-26T09:40:00.000-07:002020-04-26T09:40:21.431-07:00THE IMPACT OF EMOTION IN NEGOTIATION<span style="background-color: white; caret-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); font-family: -apple-system, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, "Helvetica Neue", "Fira Sans", Ubuntu, Oxygen, "Oxygen Sans", Cantarell, "Droid Sans", "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol", "Lucida Grande", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">Can't get past emotions in negotiation?</span><br style="box-sizing: inherit; caret-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); font-family: -apple-system, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, "Helvetica Neue", "Fira Sans", Ubuntu, Oxygen, "Oxygen Sans", Cantarell, "Droid Sans", "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol", "Lucida Grande", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: inherit !important;" /><br style="box-sizing: inherit; caret-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); font-family: -apple-system, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, "Helvetica Neue", "Fira Sans", Ubuntu, Oxygen, "Oxygen Sans", Cantarell, "Droid Sans", "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol", "Lucida Grande", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: inherit !important;" /><span style="background-color: white; caret-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); font-family: -apple-system, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, "Helvetica Neue", "Fira Sans", Ubuntu, Oxygen, "Oxygen Sans", Cantarell, "Droid Sans", "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol", "Lucida Grande", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">We negotiate almost every day since, after all, conflict’s a part of life. And most of the time, we’re not even aware we’re doing it. No reason to let emotions get the better of us in negotiation and sabotage the chances for a positive outcome. Better prepared, we can leave our trepidations at the door. </span><br style="box-sizing: inherit; caret-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); font-family: -apple-system, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, "Helvetica Neue", "Fira Sans", Ubuntu, Oxygen, "Oxygen Sans", Cantarell, "Droid Sans", "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol", "Lucida Grande", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: inherit !important;" /><br style="box-sizing: inherit; caret-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); font-family: -apple-system, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, "Helvetica Neue", "Fira Sans", Ubuntu, Oxygen, "Oxygen Sans", Cantarell, "Droid Sans", "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol", "Lucida Grande", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: inherit !important;" /><span style="background-color: white; caret-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); font-family: -apple-system, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, "Helvetica Neue", "Fira Sans", Ubuntu, Oxygen, "Oxygen Sans", Cantarell, "Droid Sans", "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol", "Lucida Grande", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">I'm pleased to share my article, "The Impact of Emotion in Negotiation," in the Spring 2020 edition of The Resolver (page 17), published by the Alternative Dispute Resolution section of the Federal Bar Association. </span><br style="box-sizing: inherit; caret-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); font-family: -apple-system, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, "Helvetica Neue", "Fira Sans", Ubuntu, Oxygen, "Oxygen Sans", Cantarell, "Droid Sans", "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol", "Lucida Grande", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: inherit !important;" /><br style="box-sizing: inherit; caret-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); font-family: -apple-system, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, "Helvetica Neue", "Fira Sans", Ubuntu, Oxygen, "Oxygen Sans", Cantarell, "Droid Sans", "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol", "Lucida Grande", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: inherit !important;" /><a data-attribute-index="16" href="https://lnkd.in/eNyQyMa" style="border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; color: #665ed0; font-family: -apple-system, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, "Helvetica Neue", "Fira Sans", Ubuntu, Oxygen, "Oxygen Sans", Cantarell, "Droid Sans", "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol", "Lucida Grande", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-weight: 600; line-height: inherit !important; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; position: relative; text-decoration: none; touch-action: manipulation; vertical-align: baseline;">https://lnkd.in/eNyQyMa</a><br style="box-sizing: inherit; caret-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); font-family: -apple-system, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, "Helvetica Neue", "Fira Sans", Ubuntu, Oxygen, "Oxygen Sans", Cantarell, "Droid Sans", "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol", "Lucida Grande", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: inherit !important;" /><br style="box-sizing: inherit; caret-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); font-family: -apple-system, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, "Helvetica Neue", "Fira Sans", Ubuntu, Oxygen, "Oxygen Sans", Cantarell, "Droid Sans", "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol", "Lucida Grande", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: inherit !important;" />Mallory Stevenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18257665240381967374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3025165346608384671.post-54191419614681552862020-04-26T09:37:00.001-07:002020-07-21T16:25:54.027-07:00Conflict Resolution: When “There’s No Place Like Home” Starts to Feel Like a Distant Memory<span style="background-color: #faf5fa; color: #13245e; font-family: "plantin"; font-size: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;">After months of forced isolation, and with anxiety running high, it is only natural to be experiencing conflict with your family, partner, and/or children. This conflict is a normal byproduct of our coping with extreme stress, with limited ability to take space, and an extreme lack of support. That being said, there are things we can do, even now, to improve communication, and get your needs met in a relationship. The following tips can help you navigate the travails of intimate relationships, in times of self-imposed isolation –– or any time!</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #faf5fa; color: #13245e; font-family: "plantin"; font-size: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: #faf5fa; color: #13245e; font-family: "plantin"; font-size: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><a href="https://www.winsummit.com/blog//is-theres-no-place-like-home-starting-to-feel-like-a-distant-memory" target="_blank">https://www.winsummit.com/blog//is-theres-no-place-like-home-starting-to-feel-like-a-distant-memory</a></span>Mallory Stevenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18257665240381967374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3025165346608384671.post-41943900263491064752020-02-18T07:39:00.001-08:002020-02-18T07:39:47.963-08:00"You’re Not Listening. Here’s Why."<div style="color: #5344c5; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-kerning: none;">Excellent NY Times article about the "unconscious tendency to tune out people you feel close to because you think you already know what they are going to say." Food for thought...!</span></div>
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<div style="color: #5344c5; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-kerning: none;"><a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2020/02/11/well/family/listening-relationships-marriage-closeness-communication-bias.html" target="_blank">https://www.nytimes.com/2020/02/11/well/family/listening-relationships-marriage-closeness-communication-bias.html</a></span></div>
<br />Mallory Stevenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18257665240381967374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3025165346608384671.post-58704521269048327972019-06-21T14:18:00.001-07:002019-06-21T14:19:16.707-07:00Conflict Resolution in the Workplace -- Excellent article/interview with Brad Heckman<a href="https://99u.adobe.com/articles/63747/a-world-class-mediator-shares-7-ways-to-de-escalate-your-office-tension" target="_blank">https://99u.adobe.com/articles/63747/a-world-class-mediator-shares-7-ways-to-de-escalate-your-office-tension</a><br />Mallory Stevenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18257665240381967374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3025165346608384671.post-15412627231907192802017-09-09T14:19:00.000-07:002017-09-09T14:19:27.906-07:00Is Your Health Insurance Provider Making You Sick? How I Prevailed Over Empire Blue Cross Blue Shield<a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/is-your-health-insurance-provider-making-you-sick_us_59b448bfe4b0d0c16bb52d27" target="_blank">http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/is-your-health-insurance-provider-making-you-sick_us_59b448bfe4b0d0c16bb52d27</a>Mallory Stevenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18257665240381967374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3025165346608384671.post-80392644496881102662017-03-20T16:41:00.003-07:002017-08-21T05:59:35.374-07:00The Impact of Emotion in NegotiationNo reason to let emotions get the better of us in negotiation and sabotage our chances for a positive outcome.<br />
<br />
Here's a new article of mine, "THE IMPACT OF EMOTION IN NEGOTIATION," co-authored with Alexander Zimmer, Esq., published in <a href="http://www.fedbar.org/Image-Library/Sections-and-Divisions/ADR/the-resolver-winter-2017.aspx" target="_blank">The RESOLVER, the Alternative Dispute Resolution Section of the Federal Bar Association's newsletter, March 2017</a>. Please scroll to page 7.<br />
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<br />Mallory Stevenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18257665240381967374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3025165346608384671.post-49982026297347566102017-03-20T09:38:00.002-07:002017-03-20T09:38:38.523-07:00<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 20.0pt;">Everyone wants to feel heard<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 18.0pt;">Conflict Resolution 101<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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By Mallory Stevens <o:p></o:p></div>
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“<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I </i>was the one who
spent years taking care of mom when she was sick and there’s no way <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">you’re</i> getting that money.” “Enough with
the texting already!” “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Really</i>? That’s
the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard!”<o:p></o:p></div>
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Whether we’re communicating with a significant other, family
member, colleague or friend, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">everyone
wants to feel heard</i>. And when we’re in conflict<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 15.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Palatino;">—</span>when emotions are
often inflamed <span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 15.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Palatino;">—</span>it's easy for understanding to be compromised and agreement
to seem impossible.<o:p></o:p></div>
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We all see things from our <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">unique</i> perspective, a product of our worldview, our subjective way
of making meaning of the world. The way we frame things is a result of our
family and socially constructed background, experiences, culture, education and
identity.<o:p></o:p></div>
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So, when we’re arguing with each other, what are some steps
we can take to try to overcome barriers to understanding, promote collaboration
and have a chance to find some mutually acceptable way to resolve the matter? <o:p></o:p></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #3366ff; font-size: 13.0pt;">Active Listening’s Fundamental<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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Listening’s not enough. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Active</i>
listening shows the other we’ve <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">heard</i>
him or her and that we really “get” what they’re saying – whether or not we
agree. Active listening involves: <o:p></o:p></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Reflecting Back<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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The next time you find yourself at odds with someone,
whether it’s a simple disagreement or a full-blown argument, take time to
reflect back, or paraphrase, what you’ve heard the other say. This helps ensure
you’ve got it right (which, in emotional situations, you may not have) and shows
the other s/he’s been heard. “You’re upset that I was checking texts.” “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">No</i>, I’m upset that you’re <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">always</i> checking them.” If you’ve
misunderstood, rest assured the other will correct you. Reflect back till you
get it right. When the other feels heard, s/he will be much more likely to be
able to hear <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">you</i>. It’s far less draining
to negotiate with someone who genuinely attempts to understand us and what’s
behind the position we’re taking, even if we have differing ideas, goals, needs
and/or interests. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Asking Open-Ended
Questions<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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“What was it like for you to take care of Mom?” is an
open-ended question. “How many days a week did you take care of Mom?” is not.
While there may be a natural inclination to assume we already understand another’s
underlying needs and interests, assumptions can be inaccurate and, at best, counterproductive.
The most effective way to discovering another’s underlying needs and interests
is to ask pertinent, open-ended questions.<o:p></o:p></div>
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There’s a famous story permeating the conflict resolution
literature that wonderfully illustrates the importance of identifying
underlying needs and interests to the process of conflict resolution. It
involves two sisters fighting over one orange. Each felt she was more entitled
to have it and wouldn’t budge from her position. They ultimately decided to
compromise and split the orange in half; upon doing so, one sister discarded
the peel of her half and ate the fruit while the other discarded the fruit of
her half and used the peel for a cake she was baking. If they had asked the
right questions to understand the other’s underlying needs and interests, they <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">both</i> would have had a much more
satisfying result: One sister would have had a whole orange to eat, the other
an entire peel for her cake. Uncovering needs and interests is an essential
part of conflict resolution. As a matter of fact, even in disputes that involve
money, the process of uncovering needs and interests invariably reveals the
disputes are never just about the money.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Reframing<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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When we’re arguing, we’re sometimes the recipient (and
sometimes the perpetrator) of provocative comments. The only purpose they serve
is to escalate the situation. Reframing, however, can help mitigate their
effect. Similar to reflecting, reframing involves rewording what was said to
you so as to remove any toxic or provocative comments, while maintaining the
essence of the message. “That’s the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard!” might be
reframed and reflected back as “I see you’re unhappy with my idea.” You’re showing
you got the essence of message, but you’ve removed its toxicity. And the very
fact that you’re not “taking the bait” can even be disarming to the other. Of
course, as with any other skill, reframing takes practice.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Empathy<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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Your capacity to put yourself in another’s shoes<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 15.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Palatino;">—</span>empathy<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 15.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Palatino;">—</span>is
one of the most important abilities you can have when trying to resolve a
disagreement. Empathy acknowledges the other’s feelings and perspective. It
doesn’t necessarily mean you’re agreeing with the other <span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 15.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Palatino;">—</span>but it does
need to be <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">genuine</i>. “It sounds like
you had to make many sacrifices to take care of mom on your own and I can see
how difficult it was for you.” The person hearing this is much more likely to
be able to hear <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">you</i>. Empathy’s
essential to opening a path to collaboration and, even if we’re not having an
argument, it’s fundamental to real relatedness in any relationship.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #3366ff; font-size: 13.0pt;">Apologies<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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An insincere or ineffective apology<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> can be worse than no apology at all</i>. In his 2004 book, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">On Apology</i>, professor of psychiatry Dr. Aaron
Lazare asserts that for an apology to be most effective, it must be genuine, should
acknowledge accountability for the offense and communicate regret or remorse.
As he further indicates, other scholars believe one should also explain how the
offense occurred and offer a commitment to not repeat it. “I know I’ve been texting
and am <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">truly</i> so sorry. I can understand
how disrespected you feel. I’d feel that way, too. I have a sick parent and
realize I’ve had this exaggerated compulsion to keep checking my phone. From
now on, I’ll take it down a few notches. I respect you and want us both to be
able to enjoy our time together.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #3366ff; font-size: 13.0pt;">Mind Your Emotions <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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What, you may ask, are you supposed to do with the anger, hurt
and frustration you may be feeling? What you <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">won’t</i> want to do is ignore your emotions. Being mindful of them,
that is, literally naming the emotion to yourself and even to the other, can
actually help you manage it. When we’re emotional, our cognitive abilities can
be compromised and the amygdala (our “reptilian brain”) kicks into fight-, flight-
or freeze-mode. Mindfulness can help.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #3366ff; font-size: 13.0pt;">Mediation, If You’re Stuck <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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Okay, so you’ve taken all these steps, but you and the other
are still stuck in your positions. You need to find a solution but are facing a
concrete wall. This is where mediation can help. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A mediator’s a third-party neutral who helps
facilitate a conversation between people in dispute who are embedded in their
positions and are unable to negotiate a resolution on their own. The mediator
does not act as a judge or decision-maker, but instead helps guide parties past
their positional barriers and forward onto the path to a mutually acceptable agreement.
The beauty of mediation is that the parties are empowered to create options for
settlement on their own terms, as opposed to facing the uncertainty of a
court-imposed, win/lose decision. Mediation's an informal, voluntary and
confidential process that's a highly effective alternative to costly
litigation. It saves time, money and prolonged stress and can even help improve
damaged relationships. Because of its confidentiality, it can also help protect
reputations. The agreements are legally binding and the benefits of mediation
have long been embraced by bar associations, law schools and our inundated
local, state and federal courts.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #3366ff; font-size: 13.0pt;">Moving Forward<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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Now that you’re equipped with your new conflict resolution
skills and resources, designed to can help increase understanding and
collaboration, it’s safe to say you can count on having opportunities to try
them out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After all, conflict’s a part
of life. But that doesn’t mean it needs to drain the life out of you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Mallory J. Stevens,
M.S. Negotiation & Conflict Resolution, is a divorce and commercial
mediator as well as conflict resolution consultant in private practice in
Manhattan. </i><a href="mailto:mstevens@msconflictres.com"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">mstevens@msconflictres.com</i></a><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">.
</i><a href="http://www.msconflictres.com/"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">www.msconflictres.com</i></a><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">. <o:p></o:p></i></div>
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Mallory Stevenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18257665240381967374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3025165346608384671.post-27590324064768143912016-08-01T17:33:00.000-07:002016-08-01T17:54:13.261-07:00The Value of the Organizational Ombuds in Gender-Related Issues in the Workplace[This article originally appeared in the November 2012 issue of <i>The</i> <i>Independent Voice</i>, a publication of the International Ombudsman Association.)<br />
<br />
By Mallory J. Stevens<br />
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<i>An organizational ombuds office can be an indispensable, valuable resource and important alternative to formal channels in the sensitive and often very complex issues related to gender.[1] These issues can affect not only employees (both female and male), but the organization and various other stakeholders as well.</i><br />
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Gender-related issues in the workplace – be they sexual or discriminatory in nature, overt or subtle, isolated instances or recurrent – are invariably quite sensitive and fundamentally more complex than they ostensibly may appear. An organizational ombuds, highly skilled in the interest-based approach to dispute resolution and a “process of discovery,”[2] provides an invaluable alternative to rights-based channels, particularly with respect to gender-related matters.<br />
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Howard Gadlin defines sexual harassment as “unwanted attention of a sexual nature, often with an underlying element of threat or coercion”; the “hostile environment” created is considered the most classic type of this harassment.[3] As the results of one meta-analytic study show, workplace sexual harassment can adversely affect psychological well-being, physical health and job performance[4] and can even result in post-traumatic stress syndrome.[5] Generally, victims are reluctant to formally report offensive conduct[6] and those who observe such conduct frequently say and do nothing.[7] As evidenced by lawsuits alone, sexual harassment can have significant ramifications for organizations.[8] So too can gender discrimination, which often manifests itself through exclusion, denial of “voice,” sabotage and wage inequities. This article presents three scenarios that describe gender-related issues and conflicts in the workplace and suggestions for how ombuds might work with individuals facing such situations.<br />
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<b><span style="color: #0b5394;">Scenario 1: It’s not always sexual</span></b><br />
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Let us imagine Evelyn, a corporate executive who sees herself as the “token” woman in committee meetings, excluded from discussions and/or “talked over” by her male colleagues. Even an ordinarily confident woman may be trepidatious about directly confronting her offending colleagues for fear of being labeled as overly-sensitive, a troublemaker, childish, unprofessional, not a team player, too emotional, a whiner or not tough enough to hold her own with “the boys.” Evelyn’s concerns about her image in the organization have rendered her uncomfortable or even ambivalent about pursuing formal grievance channels. She may be confused as to how to proceed and may even begin to doubt her own professional capacity, personal merits and worth to the organization. This engenders feelings of frustration, anger and humiliation and leaves her feeling disregarded, unlikable, unworthy, depressed, resentful and unmotivated, particularly since, as she reports, she routinely experiences these offending behaviors from certain male colleagues.<br />
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Evelyn may be experiencing what appear to be among the more subtle forms of gender discrimination, what Mary Rowe refers to as “microinequities.”[9] Speaking to harassment in general, Rowe states that prejudice against people who are different is largely carried out in ways “small in nature, but not trivial in effect”; they are particularly potent when the cumulative effects are considered.[10] These behaviors are not necessarily overt. They may be fleeting and difficult to substantiate and, in fact, may be unintentionally or unconsciously perpetrated.[11]</div>
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An ombuds can help develop insight An ombuds could listen actively to Evelyn’s depiction of the problem, identifying her needs and interests – past, present and future.[12] The ombuds could ascertain and analyze root causes and help guide Evelyn to a deeper understanding of the characteristics of her dealings with others and her effect on others.”[13] As a neutral party, the ombuds also would try to capture a clearer sense of whether the alleged affronts were real or perceived (or somewhere in-between), encourage Evelyn to describe her history working with these male colleagues, identify any additional stakeholders, and determine whether any other factors may contribute to Evelyn’s sense of mistreatment. Such information could help Evelyn develop a more thorough understanding of what has occurred and might also serve to expand the list of possible options she could take to address her concerns. Evelyn might ultimately choose to have the ombuds coach her in how to address her colleagues’ behavior in a direct manner (executed in person or in writing) or perhaps give the ombuds permission to speak to one of the respondents (preserving the complainant’s identity).</div>
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It is also possible the perceived offenses have been unintentional and more a function of differing conversational styles. In that event, a more generic option could be for the ombuds to suggest that staff receive training in effective communication skills. In her book, You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation, Deborah Tannen writes that sometimes interrupting a speaker can be inadvertent, while having the impact of domination and control.[14] She recounts a story in which certain individuals in a group were accused by the other speakers of interrupting and dominating the conversation; the former denied any such intention, wondering rather “why the others had been so reticent.” Tannen differentiates between “high considerateness” and “high involvement” styles of conversation; those exhibiting the former style try not to impose themselves and anticipate more silence between speakers as they take their turns speaking, while those with the latter hold animated participation as more important and jump in to fill the uncomfortable voids in the conversation.[15]</div>
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Perhaps Evelyn is excessively careful about her behavior in meetings (giving precedence to form over content), not wishing to appear too aggressive or “unfeminine.” According to research, women seem to feel obliged to decide “between being perceived as likable because they behave in stereotypically feminine ways (being caring, cooperative, and nurturing) or being perceived as competent because they behave in stereotypically masculine ways (being self-confident, independent, and assertive).”[16] While psychological counseling is outside the purview of ombuds’ responsibilities, an ombuds might enable Evelyn to enrich her perspective of the situation at hand. With respect to other stakeholders, such as the men involved and the organization itself, they might benefit from resolution of the issue by virtue of potential contributions that Evelyn theretofore might not have the opportunity or comfort level to make.</div>
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<b><span style="color: #0b5394;">Scenario 2: Culture-shock</span></b></div>
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Concurrent with increased globalization, workforces have become more diversified than ever.[17] Such an amalgamation of worldviews, cultural norms and customs can be a veritable breeding ground for misunderstanding and conflict, especially where gender is concerned.</div>
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Let’s envision Ricardo, a 45-year old banker who has emigrated from South America to work for a financial institution in New York City. His supervisor, Susan, also 45 but born and raised in the United States, is quite senior in the organization and known for her demanding style. Ricardo historically has worked in substantially male-dominated organizations, wherein his relationships with female subordinates were always friendly; his customary compliments on a new hairstyle or dress always seemed appreciated. Susan, on the other hand, is “less than enchanted” when Ricardo acknowledges her strikingly blue eyes; in fact, she sternly reproaches him (in front of three colleagues, two of them women) for being “sexist and macho” (privately summoning up the stereotype of the “Latin lover”) and admonishes him that if it happens again she will report him for sexual harassment.</div>
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Although he apologizes, insisting he meant no disrespect, Ricardo is nonplussed and mortified; he has never experienced such a reaction from a woman, not to mention such a reprimand and threat, and can’t decide whether he feels more emasculated or angry. The whole incident has touched upon his sense of self, his very identity as an accomplished, well-liked and respected professional. Furthermore, Susan’s attitude has turned decidedly aloof, and he is aware she is excluding him from some business discussions. Terribly distraught, it’s difficult for him to ponder his options. Will he be opening a Pandora’s Box by going to Human Resources (HR), Compliance or another executive? Will such a conversation get back to Susan and possibly others? Will he still have his job? His dignity? By now, Ricardo is beginning to feel himself a victim of sexual harassment and gender discrimination perpetrated by Susan.</div>
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A skilled ombuds would understand that a good part of the gender-harassment issues here are rooted in differences in cultural norms and worldviews. These could encompass everything from communication styles, Ricardo’s feelings about reporting to a woman, power asymmetry and Susan’s management style and personality. Does Susan have a reputation for being retributive and unapproachable in the context of disputes? Might Susan have something else going on in her life (chronic back pain, impending divorce, a sick child) that provoked such a strong response? Is Ricardo’s rendition of the incident and its aftermath accurate? How can Ricardo best find solace and rediscover enjoyment in his work? Inasmuch as an ombuds also functions as a coach, Ricardo might be helped to comprehend the dispute with Susan from her vantage point, taking into consideration cultural and other differences.[18]</div>
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Working with Ricardo to jointly develop a range of possible options, Ricardo might decide to go to HR or Compliance; approach Susan personally or in writing, with coaching from the ombuds; extend a more effective apology; or authorize the ombuds to mediate, facilitate a conversation or use shuttle diplomacy. Alternatively, he might do nothing and see if, in time, he could repair his relationship with Susan; request a transfer to another department or office; or leave the organization. If the ombuds felt it were warranted, s/he might even offer to refer Ricardo to a psychological counselor who could help him work through his emotional distress.</div>
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The possible benefits of Ricardo’s visiting an ombuds office could extend well beyond Ricardo. Colleagues could benefit by not having to endure the tension and ill will that may have pervaded their department. Susan could profit from a more motivated and productive team member. The bank itself could reap the benefits of more productive and happier employees, and the shareholders could stand to reap the benefit of increased profits. As an agent of change, the ombuds could also be a catalyst for minimizing the recurrence of similar problems, even on a systemic level.[19] One way might be to coordinate with HR or Compliance for organization-wide, “refresher” training in anti-sexual harassment, diversity issues and maybe even effective communication skills.</div>
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<b><span style="color: #0b5394;">Scenario 3: Wage disparity</span></b></div>
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According to a study released by the Institute for Women’s Policy Research in April 2010, “[w]omen’s median earnings are lower than men’s in nearly all occupations, whether they work in occupations predominantly done by women, occupations predominantly done by men, or occupations with a more even mix of men and women.”[20] Furthermore, the disparity in wages is manifest in both the highest and lowest salaried positions for women.[21] For example, in the three highest paying jobs for women in the United States, i.e., CEOs, pharmacists and lawyers, women make only about 75% of what their male counterparts earn. The overall wage gap with respect to all lines of work remains at 77%.[22]</div>
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Rebecca is a manager in a major manufacturing firm. Along with her colleagues, Evan and Jim, she’s been with the company for eight years. The men are married with one child each, while Rebecca is a single mother of two. All three have MBAs. Notwithstanding Rebecca’s excellent performance review, her boss has informed her that economic circumstances will preclude her from receiving a salary increase beyond the new 3% cap. Given her tenuous financial situation, Rebecca is distraught; however, the fear of appearing too demanding, pushy or unlikable renders her silent.[23] To add insult to injury, she’s just learned that Evan and Jim earn 23% more than she!</div>
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While cognizant there are statutes in effect that govern such gender discrimination, Rebecca has no idea what they are, how effective they may be or whether she may have a legal case against her firm. In sum, she is confused and anxious and knows not where to turn. Furthermore, she has no confidence in her ability to successfully negotiate with her boss[24] and is afraid that if she goes to HR to ask questions about her rights and alternatives, her boss will find out and retaliate against her.</div>
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An ombuds could research Rebecca’s questions regarding current legislation, furnish information regarding any relevant statutes of limitations and explore possible options. Rights-based options could take the form of an on-the-record complaint to HR or Compliance or ultimately engaging an attorney. Rebecca might also choose to have the ombuds coach her in negotiating skills so as to approach her boss with a greater sense of confidence and empowerment.[25] She might even opt to bide her time while seeking new employment elsewhere.</div>
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<b><span style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;">Need for informal and formal options to address gender-related matters in the workplace</span></b></div>
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While a few activities of an ombuds office may overlap with those of HR, Compliance and other offices (e.g., furnishing information on policy and legal statutes of limitations[26] and arranging certain training), there are critical differences that render the ombuds office a crucial resource for complaints and concerns; this is particularly true where gender-related issues are concerned. Besides the special conflict resolution skills and training of the ombuds, including an interest-based approach, the office is differentiated by the four sacrosanct principles to which it adheres: independence, confidentiality, impartiality/neutrality and informality. For an individual with gender-related issues, whether real or perceived, this quartet of principles can help make the difference between resolving physically, emotionally and professionally distressing matters, and perpetuating and exacerbating the harm.</div>
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<b><span style="color: #0b5394;">More than individuals at stake</span></b></div>
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Resolving problems before they have a chance to escalate is far more healthy for an organization than if they go undetected, fester and explode into serious situations with a myriad of negative consequences; expensive lawsuits, stressed management, stressed employees, low morale, diminished creativity and productivity, tainted reputation, reduced earnings and “displeased” regulators who levy hefty fines are but some of the potential ramifications. For example, in Rebecca’s scenario, if an ombuds were to identify a trend whereby a number of other women in the organization had been complaining about a gender wage disparity, the ombuds could recommend the organization revisit its pay scale. If an organization’s management is unaware of rampant discontent – not to mention the serious potential for litigation and censure by the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission or a similar body in other countries – the consequences can be severe and widespread.</div>
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And, not in the least, happier, healthier and more tranquil employees are more productive, more dedicated and more loyal employees. The tangible and intangible benefits of an ombuds in the workplace – the office’s effectiveness and value to the individual, the organization and a variety of other stakeholders – are indisputable and indispensable.</div>
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<b><span style="color: #0b5394;">References</span></b></div>
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[1] All the resources and benefits of an ombuds office discussed herein are true for all types of complaints and concerns that employees may have; however, the focus of this article is the importance and effectiveness of the office as specifically related to gender issues.</div>
<div>
[2] Gadlin, H., & Sturm, S. P. (2007). Conflict resolution and system change. Journal of dispute resolution, 2007(1); Columbia public law research paper no. 07-147 (pp. 1-60).<br />
[3] Gadlin, H. (1991). Careful maneuvers: Mediating sexual harassment. Negotiation journal, 7(2). (pp. 139-153); direct quote, p. 140.<br />
[4] Chan, D. K-S., Chow, S. Y, Lam, C. B. & Cheung, S. F. (2008). Examining the job-related, psychological, and physical outcomes of workplace sexual harassment: A meta-analytic review. Psychology of women quarterly, 32(2008). (pp. 362-376).The authors posit that age may mitigate the impact of harassment, since older adults are generally better equipped emotionally to cope; on the other hand, older adults might be more concerned about job and financial security.<br />
[5] Schneider, K. T., Swan, S., & Fitzgerald, L. F. (1997). Job-related and psychological effects of sexual harassment in the workplace: Empirical evidence from two organizations. Journal of applied psychology, 82(3). (pp. 401-415).<br />
[6] Gutek, B.A., & Done, R. S. (2000). Sexual harassment. In R. K. Unger (Ed.), Handbook of the psychology of women and gender. (pp. 367-387). New York: Wiley.<br />
[7] Bowes-Sperry, L., & O’Leary-Kelly, A. M. (2001). Bystander intervention in sexual harassment. [Paper presented at the National Academy of Management Meetings, Washington, D.C.].<br />
[8] Schneider et al. 1997 op. cit.<br />
[9] Rowe, M. P. (1990). Barriers to equality: The power of subtle discrimination to maintain unequal opportunity. Employee responsibilities and rights journal, 3(2). (pp. 153-163); direct quote, p. 153.<br />
[10] Ibid., p. 153.<br />
[11] Ibid.<br />
[12] Wagner, M. L. (2002). Ombuds office: Dealing with really stressful or unstable workplace situations. Available at http://www.columbia.edu/cu/ombuds/.<br />
[13] Wagner, M. L. (2000). The organizational ombudsman as change agent. Negotiation journal, 16(1). (pp. 99-114);<br />
[14] Tannen, D. (1991). You just don’t understand: Women and men in conversation. New York: Ballantine Books.<br />
[15] Ibid., p. 196.<br />
[16] Tinsley, C. H., Cheldelin, S. I., Kupfer Schneider, A., & Amanatullah, E. T. (2009). Women at the bargaining table: Pitfalls and Prospects. Negotiation journal, 25(2). (pp. 233-248); direct quote, pp. 235-236. Also, Bowles, H. R., Babcock, L., & Lai, L. (2007). Social incentives for gender differences in the propensity to initiate negotiations: Sometimes it does hurt to ask. Organizational behavior and human decision processes, 103(1). (pp. 84-103).<br />
[17] Howard, C. L. (2010). The organizational ombudsman: Origins, roles, and operations: A legal guide. Chicago: ABA Publishing.<br />
[18] Wagner 2000 op. cit.<br />
[19] Ibid.<br />
[20] Institute for Women’s Policy Research (2010, April 20). Fact Sheet: The gender wage gap by occupation. [A. Hegewisch & H. Liepmann, Preparers]. (IWPR #C350a, updated April 2010; pp. 1-9); direct quote, p. 1. Retrieved 20 April, 2010, from http://www.iwpr.org/pdf/C350a.pdf. The study was based on recent data produced by the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics.<br />
[21] Ibid., p. 3.<br />
[22] Censky, A. (2010, April 20). Women in top-paying jobs still make less than men. Retrieved 20 April, 2010, from http://money.cnn.com/2010/04/20/news/economy/highest_paying_jobs_for women/index.htm.<br />
[23] Bowles et al. 2007 op. cit. The authors posit women are reluctant to initiate negotiations, in particular with male supervisors, for fear of appearing demanding and perceived as not nice. Among their other findings is that how nice or demanding one is perceived to be can explain opposition to females in negotiation.<br />
[24] Gadlin 1991 op. cit. Also, there are numerous studies that find gender differences in negotiating effectiveness. For example, women generally have lower confidence in their negotiating abilities (See Stevens, K., Bavetta, A., & Gist, M. (1993). Gender differences in acquisition of salary negotiation skills: The role of goals, self-efficacy, and perceived control. Journal of applied psychology, 78(5). (pp. 723-735); Bowles et al. 2007 op. cit.). Their lower expectations tend to be reflected in their behavior during negotiation and, ultimately, in the results (See Kolb, D. M. (2009). Too bad for the women or does it have to be? Gender and negotiation research over the past twenty-five years. Negotiation journal, 25(4). (pp. 515-531).<br />
[25] Wagner 2000 op. cit.<br />
[26] Neither the ombuds, HR nor Compliance provides legal advice.<br />
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Mallory Stevenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18257665240381967374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3025165346608384671.post-36878784544284022262016-07-18T15:13:00.001-07:002019-08-13T13:11:50.687-07:00Why Litigate When You Can Mediate? -- Mediation Saves Money, Time & Stress <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-size: large;">A
condo board with a multimillion-dollar lawsuit, three years of aggravation and ulcers
all around. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Everyone wants to feel heard, and,
particularly in conflict – when emotions are often </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">inflamed – it’s
easy for understanding to be compromised and agreement to seem impossible.
Mediation can remedy that. For those in conflict and perhaps contemplating litigation,
mediation’s a </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">highly
effective alternative to long, drawn-out lawsuits, saving time, money and
prolonged stress. It can also help <span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">mitigate
both business and reputational risk, and even relationships strained by a
dispute. With its broad applicability, the benefits of mediation have been long
embraced by the NYC and NYS bar associations, by law schools as well as our inundated
local, state and federal courts. </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Co-ops and
condos certainly have their share of disputes; conflicts pertaining to leases
and deeds, noise and other warranty of habitability issues, property damage,
disputes with management or board members and assertions of discrimination are
but a sampling. In our notoriously litigious society, the road to the
courthouse is often the path of choice. But considering the tremendous legal
fees and protracted time it takes even simply to arrive at trial, is it
necessarily the best choice? Furthermore, in general, some ninety to ninety-five
percent of court cases are settled prior to the actual trial.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Consider the various, publicized lawsuits brought against the
co-op board of directors of the renowned Dakota, home to many a celebrity over
the years. Writing for <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The New York Times</i>
February 1, 2011, journalists Peter Lattman and Christine Haugheny asserted
that whether or not any of the allegations against the Dakota’s board were
upheld in court, the accusations were “</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">a
potentially embarrassing crack in the facade of one of the world’s most
celebrated buildings and fodder for those who feel they have been wronged by
that peculiar New York institution, the almighty co-op board.” Though there might
be plaintiffs and defendants alike who could have their reasons for wanting the
type of publicity generated by conflict, it’s fair to say most do not. Parties
to disputes such as the Dakota’s could not only have saved significant time,
money and stress by having gone to mediation, both sides also could have
avoided unnecessary publicity. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Mediation’s a voluntary,
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">confidential</i> process, in which a trained,
impartial third-party – the mediator – helps facilitate a conversation between
parties in dispute who have been unable to negotiate a resolution on their own.
The beauty of mediation is that it empowers parties to explore creative options
for resolution and settle their dispute on their own terms rather than face the
uncertain outcome of a court’s decision. While court decisions are generally
defined in terms of win-lose, parties in mediation are afforded the opportunity
to negotiate a fair and mutually acceptable agreement. Mediation settlements
are written up by legal counsel and are binding. By seeking mediation, parties
are demonstrating a good faith effort to resolve their dispute; in fact, sitting
down at the mediation table is, in and of itself, a step in the right
direction. And because of the “ownership” the parties take in the mediation
process, the likelihood of their commitment is enhanced.<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Guided by mediation’s fundamental
principles of neutrality and confidentiality, voluntariness and empowerment, the
mediator creates a safe space, generally with some ground rules, in which
parties are encouraged to speak openly. Meeting jointly with both parties, the mediator
utilizes various skills and techniques to help break through positional
barriers and guide the parties forward to resolution. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">As most mediators agree, it’s never just about the money.
Whether the parties have their legal counsel present is up to them; however, it
is the parties themselves who “own” the mediation process, not the attorneys. Unlike
in arbitration, another form of alternative dispute resolution, the mediator
acts neither as judge nor decision-maker. A mediator also can help the parties
navigate factors such as power asymmetries and cultural differences. As parties
move closer to settlement, or perhaps in the event that both parties are found
to be obstinately embedded in their positions, </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">a mediator might decide to pause the joint mediation and meet
separately with each party.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">These
separate meetings are known as caucuses and everything said in these meetings is
also confidential, unless the mediator’s authorized to share what was
discussed. In caucus, mediators frequently act as agents of reality, helping the
parties assess risk and the strengths and weaknesses of their case. Because
mediation is voluntary, parties can terminate the process at any time. And
because mediation is governed by strict confidentiality, mediators cannot even be subpoenaed to testify should mediation
be terminated before settlement is reached and a case eventually end up in
court.</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Some perhaps might find it incomprehensible
to imagine even sitting down at a mediation table with an adversary whose
diametrically opposed positions and inflexibility have previously prevented
them from resolving their dispute. Not only can mediation work, I have
experienced discernible moments when the energy in the room shifts, where tensions
and hostilities palpably begin to dissipate as parties move forward onto a path
to settling their differences. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-size: large;">Types of mediation other than the more traditional
“facilitative” style are the “evaluative,” whereby a mediator can express an
opinion and may even propose a basis for settlement; “transformative”
mediation, more focused on the relationship; and the “mandatory” initial
mediation as ordered by some courts.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-size: large;">Many people today are more familiar with mediation in terms of
divorce, unions and international conflict; however, the applicability of
mediation is far-reaching. Whether a dispute involves co-ops, condos,
neighbors, corporations, small businesses, partnerships, employees<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>– the list goes on and on – all can avail
themselves of the significant and diverse cost-saving benefits of mediation. Conflict’s
a part of life; but, that doesn’t mean it needs to drain the life out of us. </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: large;">Mallory J. Stevens is a divorce and commercial mediator
and conflict resolution consultant in private practice in NYC. She’s an
ex-international banker and also mediates in Spanish and Portuguese.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<b><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: large;">Article published in the July 2016 issue of The Cooperator, the Co-op & Condo Monthly)</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: large;">http://cooperator.com/article/why-litigate-when-you-can-mediate</span></div>
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Mallory Stevenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18257665240381967374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3025165346608384671.post-15982186440882678072015-07-27T10:20:00.001-07:002015-07-27T10:27:15.787-07:00Compromising Positions<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: center; text-autospace: none;">
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">There’s a
well-known story in the field of conflict resolution that tells of two sisters
fighting over an orange. They argue back and forth, forth and back, about who
better deserves to have it. The older one says she deserves it because
she’s older, the younger one because she’s younger, and both are adamantly
stuck in their positions. With no resolution in sight, they finally decide to
compromise and so split the orange in half. Each walks away with half an
orange, proud of having found what she considers to have been the most
efficient way to resolve the dispute. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">But was
it the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">best</i> way?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">With their
respective halves of orange in hand, one of the sisters proceeds to peel hers,
throw the peel away and eat the fruit; the other throws away her fruit and uses
the peel for a cake she’s baking. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Had the
sisters attempted to explore each other’s underlying needs and interests, the
sister who’d wanted the fruit would have ended up with a whole orange to enjoy rather
than a half, and the sister who’d planned to bake a cake would have had an
entire orange peel at her disposal. Certainly, every conflict is different (as
are the individuals, circumstances and cultures involved) and no one type of
resolution strategy fits all; however, research does show that parties in
dispute who exercise a collaborative strategy (also called “interest-based” or
“integrative”) are more likely to succeed in creating mutually acceptable
solutions. So, while the sisters did manage to resolve their dispute, a
collaborative approach would have been more mutually beneficial than their compromise.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">There are
four basic ways people can deal with conflict at different times – competition,
avoidance, accommodation and collaborative problem-solving. These strategies
depend on the level of concern people in dispute have for their own outcome vis-à-vis
the other party’s outcome. (It’s called the Dual Concern Model.) If, for
example, in a given conflict you have low concern for both your outcome and that
of the other, it’s likely you’ll avoid the conflict or do nothing; on the other
hand, if you have high concern for your outcome and little for the other’s,
you’re likely to be competitive. Some conflict resolution theorists include
compromise as a fifth strategy; however, others see compromise not as a
strategy but rather as “a kind of ‘lazy’ problem solving, involving a
half-hearted attempt to find a solution serving both parties’ interests.”<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=3025165346608384671#_edn1" name="_ednref1" style="mso-endnote-id: edn1;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;">[i]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span></a>
I’m inclined to agree with the latter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">It seems
that virtually every time we read or hear of the ostensibly never-ending
political posturing and conflicts in Congress, it’s “compromise” that’s said to
be sought and, less frequently, achieved. And each time I read or hear that, I
think of those two sisters. Now, maybe it’s semantics; perhaps what’s being
referred to in Congress as “compromise” does include elements of collaborative
negotiation; however, based on the pervasiveness of contentious posturing in
that bicameral chamber (not to mention the vested interest factor), I’m
skeptical as to how much earnest collaboration might be taking place. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Words have
power, and so does how we frame them. What I’m proposing is a sort of Congressional
paradigm shift, a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">reframing</i> of the
quest for the political brass ring: Strive to negotiate a “collaborative
resolution” rather than seek “compromise.” I’m reminded of that line from the
movie, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Field of Dreams</i>, “If you build
it, he will come.” However far-fetched the concept might seem with
respect to Capitol Hill, perhaps by lawmakers’ reframing their conflict
resolution model more collaboration <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">could
actually</i> come.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">A bona
fide effort to move past positions and obtain real understanding of each
other’s underlying interests and needs has the potential for being far more
fruitful than simply splitting the orange in two.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=3025165346608384671#_ednref1" name="_edn1" style="mso-endnote-id: edn1;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">[i]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span></span></a><span style="font-size: 10.0pt;"> Pruitt & Kim (2004, p. 41)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;"><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mallory-stevens/compromising-positions_b_7880516.html" target="_blank">Originally published in Huffington Post, July 27, 2015. </a></span></div>
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Mallory Stevenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18257665240381967374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3025165346608384671.post-10215880186534269072015-05-13T14:25:00.000-07:002015-05-13T14:25:07.193-07:00A Case for Mediation (as published in Huffington Post May 13, 2015)<div class="content" id="mainentrycontent" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #222222; direction: ltr; font-family: Georgia, Century, Times, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px; margin: 20px 0px 10px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
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A multimillion-dollar lawsuit, three years of aggravation and an ulcer to boot.</div>
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Everyone wants to feel heard, and, particularly in conflict - when emotions are often inflamed - it's easy for understanding to be compromised and agreement to seem impossible. Mediation, a form of alternative dispute resolution, can remedy that. As a mediator, I have experienced discernible moments when the energy in the room shifts, where tensions and hostilities palpably begin to dissipate as parties move forward onto a path to settling their differences. Mediation's a highly effective alternative to long, drawn-out lawsuits that saves both time and money; it also can help mitigate stress, business and reputational risk and, not in the least, strained relationships. In fact, the benefits of mediation have been long embraced by bar associations, law schools as well as by our inundated local, state and federal courts.</div>
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Mediation is a voluntary process in which a skilled, impartial third-party - the mediator - helps facilitate a conversation between parties in dispute who have been unable to negotiate a resolution on their own. The mediator acts neither as judge, decision-maker or problem-solver. Guided by mediation's fundamental principles of neutrality and confidentiality, the mediator creates a safe space, generally with some ground rules, in which parties are encouraged to speak openly. Parties have the option of having their legal counsel participate in the process. Both in joint sessions and individual, confidential "caucuses," the mediator utilizes various understanding-building techniques and strategies to help break through positional barriers so as to uncover underlying needs and interests. As most mediators agree, it's never just about the money; it's often about the relationship.</div>
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The beauty of mediation is that it empowers parties to explore creative options for resolution and settle their dispute on their own terms, rather than face the uncertain outcome of a court's decision. While court decisions are generally defined in terms of win-lose, parties in mediation are afforded the opportunity to negotiate a mutually acceptable agreement. The ownership the parties take in the mediation process enhances the likelihood of their commitment to the process. As parties move closer to settlement, the mediator can help each (in confidential caucus) assess the strengths and weaknesses of its case, facilitate risk analysis and, as needed, will assume the role of "agent of reality." Settlements are binding and are generally drafted by parties' counsel.</div>
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Types of mediation other than the more traditional "facilitative" style are the "evaluative," whereby a mediator can express an opinion and may even propose a basis for settlement; "transformative" mediation, more focused on the relationship; and the "mandatory" initial mediation as ordered by some courts.</div>
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Conflict is an inevitable part of life. That doesn't mean it needs to drain the life out of us. If we find ourselves stuck in what appears to be an unresolvable dispute, it's good to know mediation's a great alternative to litigation.</div>
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Mallory J. Stevens is a certified mediator in private practice in NYC.</div>
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<a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mallory-stevens/a-case-for-mediation_b_7253510.html">http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mallory-stevens/a-case-for-mediation_b_7253510.html</a></div>
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Mallory Stevenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18257665240381967374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3025165346608384671.post-11909373478661437552015-04-19T11:47:00.003-07:002016-07-18T19:46:50.569-07:00<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Active Listening: Everyone Wants to Feel "Heard"</b></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">When it comes to effective communication, paying attention, a passive skill, is only part of the equation. One strives not only to be “mindful” of what the other is saying or otherwise communicating, but also wants to let the other party know that genuine attention is being paid. For example, have you ever been in the midst of even an “ordinary” negotiation (we negotiate daily, more than we may realize), only to find everything you have said was countered with an opposing retort, an unrelated comment or perhaps simply a “yes, but…”? One can be left feeling exasperated or angry, invalidated and, above all, not or mis-understood. This is where </span><i style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">active </i><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">listening comes into play. Even in very contentious situations, taking a moment to reflect back to the other party what we heard him or her say enables us both to ensure we got it right (which, in emotional situations, we may not have) and demonstrate to the other s/he has been </span><i style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">heard</i><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">. If we’ve misunderstood, the other has the opportunity to correct us. It’s far less onerous to have a discussion with someone who genuinely attempts to understand us, and vice versa, even if we have differing ideas, goals, needs and/or interests. This is a first step towards the possibility of reaching collaborative agreement, or simply coming away with better understanding. Empathy also plays an important role in active listening. Whether it’s formal conflict resolution training or customer sales training, empathy – putting yourself in another’s shoes – can help defuse tension and de-escalate a situation. Think of how you feel when someone “gets” you. Yes, everyone wants to feel heard. And when we feel "heard," our own sense of "hearing" can be elevated. The more we can move past positions and acquire a better understanding of each other’s needs and interests, the greater the opportunity for more collaborative interactions and mutually satisfactory results.</span>Mallory Stevenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18257665240381967374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3025165346608384671.post-19088073373154919522014-08-21T18:43:00.002-07:002014-08-21T22:11:04.365-07:00World Mediation Summit (Madrid, July 1-4, 2014) -- Synopsis<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman";">In
early July, I was fortunate enough to attend the World Mediation Organization’s
inaugural World Mediation Summit. The conference was held July 1 - 4, 2014, in
Madrid at the Escuela Técnica Superior de Ingenieros Industriales (Industrial
Engineering School) of the Universidad Politécnica de Madrid. The next
scheduled, and newly renamed, “WMO Symposia” are to take place later this year
in Hong Kong, Dallas and Manila, with a June 2015 WMO Symposium to be held in
Berlin.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman";">The
dream of Daniel Erdmann, Ph.D., of Berlin, director general and founder of the
World Mediation Organization (WMO) and professor and director of the School of
Mediation at Euclid University, the concept of these symposia was designed to
gather ADR professionals from around the world to connect, share their
expertise and discuss topics related to conflicts of cross-border and
international interest. The initial conference drew more than 100 mediators, attorneys,
barristers, judges, scholars and diplomats from 18 different countries,
representing Europe, North America, South America, Asia, Australia, the Middle
East and the Caribbean. The four days were replete with informative
presentations, panel discussions and training sessions – as well as plenty of
enlightening and invigorating networking.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman";">It
appears that only relatively recently has mediation begun to be understood as
“important and necessary” in Europe and other areas. Supportive legislation has
even been enacted within the last few years. Here are but a few succinct,
country-related highlights from some of the presentations.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman";">•<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Romania: Pursuant to a 2006 law,
mediation began to be organized as a profession. A 2008 European Union
mediation directive has helped regulate services, quality of training, equal
treatment, etc.; nonetheless, in the words of the representative from the
Romanian Mediation Council, the only mediation regulatory agency in that
country, “Romania is still fighting for mediation.” According to the
representative, the country has 9,000 mediators, only a third of which are
actually working. They’re still in the process of promoting mediation
everywhere, especially in mass media. The government is said to be uninterested
in mediation, though the courts are more receptive. Currently, it’s not
considered constitutional to require mediation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman";">•<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Spain: Here too, the courts are
beginning to appreciate the importance of mediation. A July 2012 regulation
“made mediation a reality” for civil and commercial disputes. Our conference
host, the Escuela Técnica Superior de Ingenieros Industriales, has formed an
organization of mediation-trained engineers (Institución de Mediación de
Ingenieros); thus far, 350 have been trained, all with at least 150 hours of
training. Elsewhere, since 2006, there have been localized, restorative
mediation activities for criminal cases. Valencia, a city of more than 815,000
inhabitants, has instituted a successful police mediation program; it’s been
catapulted into a “Proyecto Europeo” (European Project), so as to share the
model with other European countries, and has been working well in Italy and
Greece, though not as well in Bulgaria.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman";">•<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Greece: Although mediation has been
practiced in Crete since the 13th century, Minoan era, efforts to institute
mediation in Greece commenced only in 2007; 350 mediators have now been
trained. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman";">•<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Eastern Caribbean (9 states): As long
as a lawsuit is filed, case management or a high court judge will refer cases
to mediation; it’s not compulsory, but if the court refers you, compliance is
obligatory.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman";">•<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Italy: There was no real mediation
until 2009, when it became compulsory, and in 2010 the Italian Ministry of
Justice adopted an executive regulation that called for easy access for all
professionals; it involved a “low-intensity,” 50-hour training course and
minimal requirements for mediator trainers. A “chaotic” situation ensued, with
lawyers divided: While some have seen this as a new professional opportunity,
the majority has considered mediation as a “calamity” for their own businesses;
they immediately boycotted it, even going on strike. Many other professionals
expressed interest in mediation, seeing it as a way to supplement their
earnings. Judges were initially confused and suspicious: </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Only judges make justice. Mediators do
something completely different that is not giving justice to people.” In time,
they changed their minds.<span style="color: black;"> An October 2012 law
overturned a July 2012 law that had mandated mediation, due to the government’s
lack of power to impose it. Ultimately, in May 2013, the UE Commission gave its
support to mediation and in August of that year enacted a new law that simply required
parties to be informed about mediation prior to their initiating a claim. There
is said to be poor quality of training, and increased demands from mediation
with few resulting mediations.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman";">Some
other interesting presentations and workshops included (presenters’
countries indicated parenthetically):<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman";">•<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Mediating complex large group
conflicts (Canada): Highlighted was a very challenging, client-services group
conflict that involved forty employees, four managers and twenty-nine different
ethnicities<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman";">•<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Cross-border divorce mediation and
the “two-day attorney-assisted model” (USA): 98% of cases are resolved within
two days<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman";">•<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Online dispute resolution (ODR) for
mediation (India and UK): Challenges and benefits; new software and processes
(ODR was frequently highlighted during the conference)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman";">•<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Challenges experienced in
restructuring complex programs with local governments in war zone environments
(Afghanistan)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman";">•<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Indigenous communities in India
(Amnesty International) and other areas (Philippines and Myanmar):
Circumstances, conflicts, protections<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman";">•<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Strategies for providing the
non-violent resolution of international conflicts (Mediators Beyond Borders):
Capacity-building projects that build local organizational and peace-building
skills, advocacy projects that promote the appropriate use of mediation
worldwide, facilitating dialogue<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman";">•<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Applying psychology to conflict
resolution (UK)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman";">•<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>The process and theory of mediation
(Spain and Italy)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman";">•<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Mediating complex cases for
international corporations and nations (USA): Fortune 500 companies could take
4 - 9 months<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman";">•<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Missing children of Europe – Family
mediation involving transporting children beyond borders (Belgium): Of 700+
cases studied, 47% solved through amicable solutions; must be co-mediated<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman";">•<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Israeli-Palestinian conflict (Egypt
and Palestinian Territories)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman";">•<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Brains matter: The art and science of
using the mind in conflict resolution -- Neuroplasticity (USA): Every time you
learn something new, it changes your brain! (Admittedly, this session was one
of my personal favorites!)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman";">For
more information about this valuable conference as well as upcoming WMO Symposia,
you might wish to contact Dr. Erdmann directly at </span><a href="mailto:mail@worldmediation.org"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">mail@worldmediation.org</span></a><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman";"> or visit </span><a href="http://worldmediation.org/symposia/"><span style="color: windowtext; font-family: "Times New Roman"; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">http://worldmediation.org/symposia/</span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">.<span style="color: black;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman";">All
the best,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman";">Mallory
Stevens<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman";">mstevens@msconflictres.com<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman";">www.msconflictres.com<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman";">917-716-6654<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Mallory Stevenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18257665240381967374noreply@blogger.com0